When I was little, my dad served in the Air Force. One of the stations, that he served twice, was in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia. Every time I catch the scent of cardamom I’m flooded with these memories that I can only sort of piece together. Flashes of colors. The dry heat. The frozen water bottles my mom always had in her bag that never seemed to melt fast enough when you were so thirsty on a 110 degree day. The jingling of gold and silver jewelry. Men and women bargaining at the market among the spices and baskets. Campfire smoke. The sound of sandals slipping on sandy roads. The howl of wind during a sand storm. The screech of a falcon. The desert. You never quite feel so small as you do when you are standing on the top of a dune with hundreds of miles of red sand in every direction you look.

“The jingling of gold and silver jewelry. Men and women bargaining at the market.”

“You never quite feel as small as you do when you are standing on the top of a dune with hundreds of miles of red sand in every direction you look.”

There are so many reasons for being small. Most of them rooted in a desire to remain safe.

Staying small may keep others from being upset with you for whatever reason they may have.

Not being seen prevents you from being misunderstood.

Being able to hide amongst the throng of other bigger and brighter people keeps you from being noticed…. If you aren’t noticed, maybe you don’t need to show up. Change. Adapt or grow. Be your fullest self. Be accountable.

Playing it small for me has unknowingly been a huge part of my life. Not wanting to be seen because someone else was more deserving. When I played it big I was vying for attention and that was either selfish or unbecoming of a young lady. That’s just not what you do. Keep your head down, and just keep moving. Just keep doing your job. Submit. Don’t upset the applecart. So and So’s feelings will be hurt if you receive more attention than they do. If you do this and not that maybe they won’t behave that way. Maybe tone it down a bit, you’re a little loud.

The voices in my head that “keep me in check” are like the shrill screech of the woman tapping the ruler at a girl in finishing school trying to walk properly with her toes out first whilst balancing a stack books on top of her head. Just put the blinders on and stay focused on being who everyone seems to need you to be so that they are pleased with you and want to keep you around. The hundreds of miles of red sand in every direction I looked.

Oof. That people pleaser gene is strong in me. All stemming from this desire of wanting to be wanted and to keep people happy with me so that we can remain in relationship with one another…and my subconscious solution to that was to minimize myself.

But how can you be in relationship with someone you can’t really see?

In 2019 I began my journey to break free of that pattern. It has been a long and difficult journey that has included so much heart ache, conflict and general upset. There have been so many times I just wanted to turn back and just stick my head under my pillow to shut out the world and just go back to what was easy- being small. Standing behind. Putting the mask on.

Those that know me in real life may find this all hard to believe. I’m a very outgoing person. I’m only shy about 50% of the time. Well. Really 100% of the time but in effort to make people happy I’m the first to introduce myself and settle in to the routine of willingly getting to know everything about you that you may want to share with me to make sure you are having a comfortable experience wherever we may be. Just goes to show that unless you really take a moment, you don’t know to whole story of someone’s life.

My journey has also been dotted with so much love and hope. My desire is to share that love and hope with you here. As I have been journeying into the depths of myself, I realize that I have a lot to say. I have wisdom to offer that may help someone, somewhere. And that standing at my full height, though maybe only 5’3”, is pretty big.

I don’t possess fancy certifications and college degrees that would give me the impression of credibility. I only have 3 letters at the end of my name- LMT- Licensed Massage Therapist, and I honestly don’t wrap my identity in those. I’m just a person who, from the vantage point of smallness, has been making a lot of observations about life and relationships and transitions. I’ve done a lot of work to get to where I am, and I have such a love of people that I want to share what I have learned along the way. And out of that Love I have committed myself to learning how to help others balance their nervous systems with Bowenwork Therapy and embark on their journeys to self discovery with BodyMind Embodiment Coaching. And that is pretty fan frickin tastic to be able to commit a large part of my life to doing that, to return what I was given. To pay it all forward.

In Riyadh, there is a part of the desert that is more like a plain. It’s more rocky and pebbly than it is sandy. The reason to go to this plain is to be in search of something precious. When you go at dusk and scan the horizon of the desert, when the sun hits the ground just right it will begin to shimmer in some places. Those sparkles amidst the drab of sand are gems. Desert Diamonds. They aren’t like regular diamonds. They aren’t compressed carbon diamonds created under pressure. They look like milky quartz resembling stones. When you find one, the greatest gift is to see its potential. They have come a long way- deposited in the plains forever ago from the mountains towards the Gulf. Like sea glass they have stood the test of time being blown over by sand and wind, sun and heat only to become weathered and more precious for the conditions they have endured. When you pick one up, it has the potential of being cut like a traditional diamond to reveal its inner sparkle and clarity. Its preciousness can be revealed.

You and I. We are like those Desert Diamonds. We have endured much. The only ones who can reveal our greatest potential is ourselves. Stand on the horizon of your desert plain. Look towards the sun at dusk. Scan the vastness for the hidden sparkle. And take it. See your greatness for yourself. The smallest shimmer can still be a bright light and that’s what I hope to share here. I’m looking forward to you joining me.

The smallest Stone

Let me Clear my Throat