I can Feel the Fear
I have this great inspiration app called I Am, that offers me quotes, inspirational sayings, asks me questions- however I tailor it. I can even pick a background that I find soothing- and man- the past couple of weeks, while I have been gone, it has generated some SPOT ON tidbits for me. I have shared them on IG @jennyodellembodimentandbowen. If you have seen them, have they resonated with you? I would love to hear how they have struck one or two of your chords. And I shared on one of them recently that I was going to get personal with you and share a piece of myself with you. And get ready- Here it comes.
This is the one got me last Saturday. “I can feel the fear and do it anyway.”
How often I have held myself back from amazing opportunities because I was afraid. Afraid to speak up. Afraid to speak out. Afraid to sing. Afraid to try something new. Afraid of pursuing a dream.
Afraid of who I would leave behind if I did.
Afraid of change. Afraid of standing up for myself. Afraid of what other people would think of me. Afraid of not being liked.
Afraid of being left behind.
Afraid of tanking my business for pursuing what I know really and truly matters and will provide the most growth for myself and my clients. Afraid of claiming my identity as being so much more than I am perceived to be. Just a massage therapist.
Afraid to be the fullest version of my Self.
I had the opportunity to very vulnerably shed a whole lot of tears around a table with some powerful women about ALL of these things while I was on my BodyMind Retreat the second half of my time away.
It was at the end- last 3 days. I was so tired, ready to be home and on day 4 of dealing with vertigo... so I was a primed victim for my gremlins to get the better of me. Whispering to me in my ears:
You’re not worthy. What are you doing here? Who do you think you are to make a play for something so grand? Which mask are you hiding behind this time? You’re just a mom. You’re just supposed to be a housewife taking care of your kids. You are just making up for lost time having not worked in forever. You have too much to catch up on to be effective. 40 is not the time to get started in life- your life is half over by now! If you want this, you are going to have to get this and that first before you can get what you want and work the way you want to. The conversation in my head went on and on. No one wants anything more than what you have previously offered. You’re just a massage therapist. Just give them what they want. Just settle. Be grateful for what you have.
I told you- vulnerability central. You are getting to know me in a light most people never see. “You aren’t supposed to see your practitioner’s weak spots. They’re supposed to be invincible and have it all together.”
I was hearing these very real voices. I’m sure you have variations of these stories that you replay to yourselves as well.
Until these women held up a mirror for me. Ok- it was a camera during a photos shoot that made me incredibly uncomfortable (with a few moments of radiance) and some very carefully and clearly spoken reflections from them. They reminded me of who I really am to help me clear past the gremlins. To proverbially see the forest through the trees. To see me.
To remind me that I AM WORTHY. I AM BRAVE. I AM CAPABLE.
I share my gremlins with you not to show my weakness, but to express my humanness. To remind you and myself that we are not alone in this existence of not being sure of our footing. We are all dealing with the voices in our heads- the stories we tell ourselves about how we are perceiving our world. How we approach listening to them is what matters. I have been doing this BodyMind Connection work for a long time. Just becuase I have though, doesn’t mean that I have my stories all sorted out and that my internal landscape is perfect. Oh no. They do get the better of me from time to time- usually when I am super over tired or on overload. But I do have tools. I do have my own coaches and mentors that I call on for the proverbial smack on the ass to get me back in working order. I have my own meditation and prayer practice that brings me back to grounding. I have my ritual of puttering around my home and tending to my flock of chickens. I have found what works to soothe my system. And boy, are they effective. Most of the time.
As I catch myself rambling, I am wondering what my own point is. I realize that it is this: No one is perfect. We all fall short of whatever standard we or others are setting for us. That can feel so destabilizing. We can feel it in our heads, our hearts, our bodies. So often we don’t know how to support ourselves through those sensations and if we aren’t careful, it can remain trapped there and leave us falling victim to our own dis- ease. Unless we know where to go to for support.
I may fall into my own story trap from time to time, but I realized this past week after I fell in there face first that I didn’t succumb to my own demise. I fell into my own support. I fell into love, and protection, validation and reflection. I fell into connection and community.
That is what I am building in my practice. I’m building a place for people like me, and for people like you to fall into. Then empowering you with the tools you need to climb out and be prepared for the next time.
I am creating a short series on the basics of PolyVagal Theory based on the book Anchored by Deb Dana. She has SUCH an incredible way of communicating. For me, understanding how my nervous system works (and how it works along with phsyical and emotional pain) is what helped me understand my BodyMind Connection and feel more capable of receiving and accepting support both from myself and others.
This is my invitation to you: accept these little nuggets of learning. I’m hoping to keep them short and sweet. (But you know me… I love words) and if you would like to connect- lets grab a coffee together and talk things through. I love to chat, and I love to drink coffee. And I happen to be located next to one of the best in Eliot. Or we can go hit up Portsmouth, or Dover, or South Berwick! Oh MY! If you aren’t local- lets embrace a Zoom Room. Let’s connect. Let’s lean in.
Here is the first little nugget for you. (Please let me know if THIS LINK doesn’t work! There should be audio!)
As always- feel free to reach out to me. I am here to listen.
Sincerely and with Gratitude.
Jenny