Excuses, Excuses

This Ryan Blair quote smacked me on the head a few weeks ago. I saw it right after I tried to make a loving boundary around something. I was fully safe in my assumptions that it wouldn’t be received well, and I was running through all the scenarios of how I should fix it and just buck up and do everything I could to accommodate the situation… because I should. 

Two years ago or so…. Alright- maybe even just 1 year ago… you got me- 6 months- you would have recognized me as the Excuses Queen. My pedigree is of the highest caliber. My tiara has more carats than performer Drake’s engagement necklace. The red carpet gets rolled out for me when I’m riding high in the saddle of false resolution. I am very good at finding just about any reason to not do what I don’t want to do. I usually dress it up in “I can’t” or “I don’t have time.” Both are statements that are sometimes true in the instance, and I also know it’s an avoidant tactic. 

It’s a gift I have unfortunately passed on to my nearly 11 year old son… Oh this boy. He is a perfectionist- he very often will not try something unless he knows ahead of time that he can master it. It was a walk in the woods and a drumming conversation with him that got my wheels turning around excuses this week. There is a song that he is learning that has a lot of rim shots and 16th notes and not slow ones either- they are supah fast he says. He has a lot of logical reasons to switch from Collective Soul’s “Where the River FLows” to the Bangles’ “ Walk Like an Egyptian”. ( but first- can I just brag about how cool my kid is with his varied musical taste?) ANYWAY. His reasons were the rim shots eat up his sticks and he will need to buy more sticks. The offbeat from the 16th notes, the floor tom and the kick drum are just so confusing, the 16th notes just super fast- and he rattled off some other things I only vaguely understood.  So I asked him about if he felt that those reasons were good enough for him to give up on a song that he loved just because it was hard….. Really hoping he would say No! I can’t give up! And yet he didn't, he says, “yeah- an easier song would be better.” buzz kill. Attempting a modified coaching chat with him after he agreed to let me brainstorm with him- I was really hoping he could find his way to know that we can always buy more sticks and that you don’t have to learn a song super fast. You can slow it down and build muscle memory, then speed it up with ease… I heard a wise woman once say- What’s slow is smooth and what’s smooth is fast. My boy didn’t get it- but he did get that he was afraid of failing and letting someone down if he couldn’t get it right. And that fear may very well keep him from moving forward if his teacher ( and mum) can’t support him through that.

And as for me- my excuses? 

I don’t work out though I want to be in better shape- because I can’t fathom getting up at 4am to have an opportunity to do it. I have zero energy after work and homework and dinner needs to be made on time. It’s wintertime and cold and the road I like to walk isn’t as safe in the dark. And Bears. I really don’t want to run into a bear. 

I don’t read as many books as I like, because WHO THE HECK HAS TIME TO SIT DOWN FOR AN HOUR TO READ?!? It’s too noisy at my house anyway- since I prefer enrichment books, I need to be able to have the mental space and quiet to “study them” and retain what I have learned. My brain is TOAST at bedtime so reading before bed is not a good time either. I’m too excited to close my eyes. 

I haven’t experimented with recipes in a long time since I need something quick and efficient for dinner….that my picky eaters will eat. And man- the price of EGGS. And I’m pretty sure the local store has noticed I have been getting a lot of celery for my juice so now THAT’s all jacked up. And I'm too tired after work to spark my creativity on a whim… since I haven’t you know.. Prioritized grocery shopping, meal planning and prepping in what feels like forever since I have been too busy with work, classes, building my business, momming, wifing, lifing? All the weird -ing verbs that we see of Pinterest boards to make us feel less alone in the boat we are in. 

I don’t audition for a solo at choir since I am not a strong sight reader of music so I know I technically won’t master the audition even if I sing in perfect  pitch. 

I don’t get  as active on social media platforms to engage my people about my business since I don’t like to “spend too much time on it” (I say after watching 45 minutes of those terrible dock dad pun joke reels.)  Technology confuses me. Whatever happened to being in person? No one really wants to hear what I have to say anyway.. Or do they? Sometimes I pick a good song for my angel card reel. But man- the agony over “am I going to reach the right person or just the strange single dude looking like a tinder ad who just started following me?” “ Am I going to come across as “too perfect” or not perfect enough for people to consider?” I will likely be seen as a fraud so I should probably just stick to the basics. Who the heck has time to figure out how to connect all the links to linktree anyway? Is that even a thing anymore? Technology moves so fast- by the time I figure it out it’s obsolete, the algorithm has changed and I have accidentally deleted everything. 

I could go on. But I will spare you. And clearly I have gotten some of the tech figured out since this blog is now in existence. Pass me that gold star, will you? 

I have had an incredible year breaking myself down and building myself up again. Since 2019 it has been a constant state of being for me- and if you are thinking “that sounds exhausting”, you would be correct. 2022 though… this year has held a giant mirror up to my face and I have had a few really strong mentors and friends who wouldn’t let me look away. Up to this point, I have been avoiding that mirror. Afraid to see what’s inside. 

Hi, My name is Jenny and I am a recovering Perfectionistic People Pleaser that has a hard time saying no and remembering that I myself am just as important in the equation as the other person. And I truly love people. I genuinely love being in community and connection with people so very much. 

So what has changed for me? Why did this little meme get me all tethered up this afternoon? 

I have spent a lot of time learning what my body has to say about some habitual behavior I have around people pleasing, making excuses, and getting swallowed up in perfectionism. I have learned to hear the excuses I’m saying and then pause. In that pause I ask myself another question.  Where am I feeling that sensation in my body and where is it leading me? 

In most of these instances a wave of overwhelm or exhaustion would come. This cloudy energy of “just one more thing” to pile on, one more thing to learn, one more thing to accomplish, one more thing that I have to do and mostly do alone. This sense of defeat and retreat. Freeze and Fawn.  I would let it consume me sometimes. I would flit about, get all fiery and agitated, and I would try so hard to disappear. I would avoid commitment. I just didn't have the heart I wanted to have to add one more thing to my plate even if it was something or someone I love. For a while everything I wanted to do just felt too hard when mixed in with the things I needed to do. Survival mode is real- and I have been in it for a while and this past year was the long skid to a stop. The whiplash from that velocity needs some recovery time. Time I didn’t think I had. Time I didn’t think I would be permitted to have. Someone always needs something. And then there was the question-

What am I afraid of that also keeps me pulling all the excuses out? 

I was afraid to be seen. I am afraid to be seen. I’m somewhere in the middle I think. Being seen for who I am in my completeness terrified me. I didn’t think I was enough. I am so happy to be the seer. To see someone and honor their presence and give thanks for them being a part of my life, even if it is fleeting. But to be seen??? I would bury myself in responsibility and even in the excuses of why they couldn’t get done. 

This was until BodyMind happened to me. It helped me Connect my body response to my head response and hear a deeper message of me. In all those examples above, if I had been successful, I would have been noticed. Gay Hedricks calls this self sabotaging type behavior the Upper Limit Problem in his life changing book, The Big Leap. Something amazing is going to happen and then bam- you slip and slide down your soapy tarp of old neuropathways (habits) of behaviour and just stay stuck where you are. 

I recently decided that in the fall of 2022, That it was time. I had an epiphany that I will share at another time, and asked myself, “ What’s so bad about being seen?”

Well, I couldn’t keep using my excuses for one and call them reasons. I would need to own up and call them what they are. My Comfort Zone. That isn’t actually comfortable. It’s holding me back from my fullest potential.

Because I adore you and thank you for bearing with me, I will get to the point of the meme above. 

Leaning into my comfort zone, understanding my nature of being a people pleaser, identifying what values I hold near and dear to my heart and strive to live through, and figuring out what kind of boundaries feel good to protect them with… I learned a new feeling to help me distinguish between a true reason and a true excuse. It takes a pause. It takes me closing my eyes and shutting the world out with a breath or two. Is what I’m about to say yes or no to, is what I’m “excusing my way out of”  bringing  me a glowing joy filled feeling in my heart or does it make me feel that wave of exhaustion and dread in the pit of my stomach? And there is a very subtle difference to either of those feelings being genuine or feeling it because you want to feel it. For me the subtle difference is resistance. Does the feeling move with me or does it lag behind? Is there a settled feeling of acceptance or is there a fluttery nervous energy? 

I don’t get it right everytime. I was in the middle of hashing that out with myself when I saw that picture. 

“If it’s important to you, you will find a way. If it’s not, you will find an excuse.” 

This is an excellent and humbling statement. I had said a modified yes to something that should be really important to me. It is, AND it’s also been something that has been consuming me as well and it is something that I would love to toss around in excuses and reasons and just have it get lost in the mix. But it won’t get lost, and it is important. Hence the modification. A boundary in place that says yes, but I need it for these reasons in this way. 

There are so many things we can find excuses for, and all the reasons behind the reasons of why we are making up excuses. What is behind your excuses for not going after what’s important to you? What does support get to look like as you travel that road to discovery?